In heaven or not

I wonder what it will be like to live in heaven.

I don't know if I want to live in heaven but I want to live far from earth or not at all

ℑ

Christmas is here ...
...but, despite everything, cruel
For some years now, it has lost the meaning of renewal and joy, as it had previously.

After all I have family with me. Some have already left ... others will leave soon.

My beloved female dog, which I saved from the streets 13 years ago, is very sick. Evil cancer that gets us, so badly, who we love. She looks fine, but she isn't. Our beautiful and brave Jamaica, who struggled so hard to survive, with her babies, in the streets, without affection or a roof to shelter them.

We managed to give them a good and happy life. But now life is coming to an end.
How much pain I already feel, how much pain when brave Jamaica refuses the medicines and how much relief when she finally accepts them.
I really want her not to suffer.
She will be sorely missed.

Merry Christmas to all who read this blog
For all my love to Jamaica

Since then my life goes on

Many times, when I'm down, I say good morning to everyone with a huge smile. I understand why it is often said,

"How could such a misfortune come about if that person looked so good, always with a big smile." 

Yes! That's right: we learn to defend ourselves after being victims of much misunderstandings.

I fall and get up ... and I dance stunned...

This is my life after death punished me

Have a look to this wonderful underwater film AMA by Julie Gautier

https://juliegautier.com/

I indentify myself very well with it

How about asking for help not to suffocate in the mud and that help being denied to us? Simply “because it is not possible”! As simple and light as this! It is very sad but the solution is to move on and fight alone not to give up, though in tears.

I will survive

We move forward with grief

As everyone here knows, I lost my parents and felt in depression since then.My way was difficult and many times misunderstood. Many people around me couldn't understand why that hapenned. For some I was a "weak mind, death is part of life", "I should let them go", and things like that. It was very very painful for me to deal with all the situation.
Sometimes I had desires of revenge thinking that they had to do worse than I did, so that they could understand what is to be in major depression.

Maybe listening the following Ted Talk can show a little of what I went through. Trying to go on with my memories in me. It still is very painful. From times to times my memories update again and again.
Nora McInarny describes her memory about the warmth of the body of her husband already death. I remember so well the warmth of the body of my father already declared dead. I hugged him very fondly. He was still warm. Nothing will erase this from my memory, just like the last kiss I gave him, before descending to the grave.

Nora says we move forward with our grief, we don't move on. The mourning stays as do the memories.
The Disney Lion King dies and Kimba (his beloved child) stays in depression till he can understand that to honour his father he needs to believe he is inside him "Remember me, remember me ...".

We can not expect that our cure has to go through forgetting, as many people think.
They still are with us, just inside us. And we must honour them. Think how happy they would be with our happiness, with our success. How sad they would be kowning about my major depression.

Well, it is difficult but possible.


Listen Nora here

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

My dog recognized the odor and made me cry

I packed some more today. Some clothes that were kept.

To my astonishment my dog approached and clearly identified my Father's scent. I felt the scent but was not prepared for my dog's reaction. She smelled the odor and showed herself wagging her tail clearly and intensely. I was caught off guard and let her sniff at will. She did so and ... even more amazed I was when she started to lick my face and alternately smelling the clothes.

For me it was the proof of her memories and, I am sure, she felt more than that and so she decided to cherish me. What a shock and how beautiful! After that I started to cry. We do not know how to interpret the feelings of animals as we should.

Does she really know he's dead?

She knows how I miss him.

To my mother
Beautiful eyes! For ever and ever ...

Grief

My safe harbor died

Now I'm on my own. Unconditional love no longer exists. I feel lonely in my world. I know some people love me very much, but I feel lonely. Nightmares often happen: I'm lost in the midst of confusion. Maybe because my shelter has died.

Feeling different

My baby is gone. Now another is born.
One day he told me that he doesn't want me anymore. I left him in his space and I forgot this part of my history and preserved my memories. My real baby is the one I have in my memory, not the one who denied me and revealed himself so cold and distant.
Now I feel safe from what I want, but lost for having lost a future with my dear baby. In

my mind I have one and in my soul another.
How can I build a future by preserving my old baby? I do not know, I do not know ....